hallelujah… a breakthrough

I have been depressed a lot this week, mostly yesterday and today though.  I have been praying a lot and thinking and talking to the hub… it hasn’t been the best of days but it hasn’t been the worst of days.  I am really glad to have a healed relationship with my hub now… I would never be able to press on without it.  It is now one area of my life that I feel confident and secure in and trust will be ok.  Anyway, I have had some breakthrough with my personal growth…

so I have come to realization that I AM A VERY PASSIONATE PERSON!!!  I just didn’t notice how…  I am always sitting around trying to find out what I am passionate about and getting so angry or depressed when I can’t find anything… well, HELLO!!! Stop right there!  That’s a sign in itself.  I am an extremely emotional person and you can’t be extremely emotional without passion! Duh!  So I started thinking… why do i get so emotional?  What do I get emotional about?  As i continue to do that I know the answers will keep pouring in with God’s guidance.

Also, I decided to take a personality test again… it’s been a while and I am really trying to do whatever I can to spring myself fwd in my life right now…  Well, I took the Myers Briggs and it came out INFP- The Healer.  http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

Upon reading the description I quickly realized why I struggle so much, lol.  With things like, “Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life” and “INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists” and “INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place” listed there, you can see how I get trapped in these emotional places…

I have taken personality tests a million times, constantly trying to define myself (just like it says up there, lol) and this time I think I actually agree with so much of what it says and am beginning to understand myself better from it.  Thanks to my mentor for suggesting I try it again!  I did so with an open mind and am feeling a bit better now!  Not that it had all the answers or even the bulk of what I am looking for… but it is a start and I can go from there…

I am now smiling… it feels good to smile!

sadness…

ok update…    Saturday was great, running around with my girls and going to a friends wedding.  Then later in the day I got really tired… I didn’t want to go to bed early so I stayed up late as usual anyway.  Then I woke up Sun and was still really tired and felt sad, wasn’t sure why.  I do that sometimes.  The morning got away from me and I ran out of time to get ready for church so I didn’t get to shower and everything, I didn’t feel like taking a shower and rushing myself and stressing out about it so I just threw a hat on… which I never do for Sun morning.   Two different moments during church I almost started crying.  I told hubby and he didn’t seem to think much of it.  At the end he told me to go ahead and take baby home and get her fed and everything and he would get the other kids and deal with them.  So that was nice.  Then he watched the kids so I could do the yardwork.  After that, I was still really tired and I showered and went to take a nap even though he had fallen asleep on the couch.  I never could fall asleep, the kids kept bugging me and I am not good at naps anyway.  The rest of the day I was still sad and going around in my head with God as to why, what was wrong with me?  I still felt fine with my walk and at home etc, but there was something wrong with me still.  I just wanted to be held, to feel cared for, for hubby to realize I was hurting and to just comfort me… but he never did.   Throughout the day I felt more disconnected with him… later I was still tired and then my legs started hurting pretty bad and I just wanted to lay down, so I went in the bedroom and watched some tv while he finished playing with the kids before bed… after the kids went down I wanted to hangout with him and just be with him… well I went into the living room to find out he just left the house without telling me… so I started freaking out a little, wondering if he was mad or something so I texted him and he said he was just going to the store and would be right back and laughed saying I knew you might txt me.  When he got home I told him it freaked me out and he was like why, so we talked a little and he was sorry  and said that he thought that I wanted to be left alone and he didn’t want to bother me… he was watching tv in living room and me in bedroom… I kept coming out to be with him and just didn’t feel anything form him at all… so I mentioned it and he was like geez I thought I was doing the right thing by helping out this morning and giving u space… I said that the help was nice but it had nothing to do with what I was dealing with.  So he got a little “mad” cuz he feels at a loss.  I explained that I just wanted to be held cuz I was sad and he was like but that’s not ur love language.  He was so confused.  So I tried snuggling with him some and still didn’t feel anything… and it just made me feel more alone and disconnected from him cuz even after opening up some he didn’t respond as hoped.  So I left and said goodnight… was a little mad, but mostly more sad and unloved or uncared for… so I laid back down and was going to just go to bed all negative like I normally would have done… maybe crying myself to sleep… but I said NO, and got up and asked him to come in the bedroom and watch tv (that was very hard to do).  So he did.  I started snuggling to him again and said that I just wanted to be with him and wanted to feel that he wanted to be with me too.  He said he does want to be with me but he was afraid to do something wrong.  I was like, am I that much of a land mine that you can’t even touch me… he was like Yes!  (that is how bitchy I can get).  My own hubby feels he has to walk on eggshells when I have an off day.  I told him yeah when I am mad or stressed or something a lot of times its fine not to be around me but today I was just sad and needed to be held.  I explained that I figured with me mentioning this morning that I almost cried twice that he would see that I was sad.  I never cry around anyone!!!  I don’t think he has ever really seen me cry.  So for me to say that seems it would have been a big deal.  But I guess he didn’t understand what I was meaning.  As we were talking I started crying talking about it laying in his arms and he said just let it out and I did.  And it was nice, he just held me and I cried… After a while of that he asked what was going on in my head as I cried and so I started talking about the things that went through my head today as I was trying to understand what was going on with me and what my problem is all the time.  Some things I mentioned was that I feel there is no plan for my life.  In Jeremiah he says God has a plan for your life… I look at my life and try to see the future of it and I don’t see anything, I see no plan, I have no idea what God has in store for me.  I don’t see my life headed anywhere.  Also, I don’t really have confidence in anything.  And the thing I do “staying at home being a mom to young ones and teaching them” is not in a gifted zone.  I feel that I fail more than succeed and I want to have something in my life that I feel successful at, where I am propelled to do and be more.  Like a kid learning, you make it where they can succeed first, so they want to continue and enjoy what they are doing… I feel so incompetent in most of my daily life.  I want to be able to answer the question of what do I want to do?  If I could do anything?   But I still can’t answer that.  I want to have passions and dreams and goals and desire to work for them.  Right now I have no passion and lack the motivation to want to work to do or learn anything.  I don’t want to be like that.  I want to come alive, I want to feel productive and successful and able, I want to feel needed and wanted by peers (not just by my kids).  I want to feel like my life matters and see results of that.  I know raising little kids is important, but I am sooooo not gifted in that area.  Putting them back in school will help out with that issue so that the time we do spend together will be less stressful and more about family and stuff instead of school stuff.  And it will free me up to try to find or do something else.  I am trying to take what I know of as my strengths and see what God wants me to do with them… so many times I draw a blank on what that looks like.  I thought I was a teacher and had some gifts of teaching but boy was I wrong.  I can’t seem to teach, inspire, or encourage anybody very well… and it saddens and angers me so.  I know I like helping others and making ways for their dreams to come true, somewhat lifting others loads/burdens I guess you can say.  I like to make others happy.  I like to have fun.  I love friendship, the power of friendship in my life is very life giving.  Having special time with special people energizes me.  Anyway, I am going on and on…  the night ended with amazing talking and …. Well, yeah…. Let’s just say it was good and I definitely don’t feel disconnected to him anymore!!!

~Ali

ahhhhhh!

i know i haven’t posted in forever… haven’t been in the writing mood… i thought I should write a tad about what is current with me…

OMG… I have felt so amazing lately!!!  I am so at peace with myself and God and my life… I am so in love with my hubby and have such a desire for him (tmi warning: love-making = dy-no-mite!!!)… I have been so full of joy… so feeling the spirit move and work in my life…just breathing-in life… lovin it

i am not saying that life has been peachy-keen all around… there have been the typical life crap happenings but life is life and i am still stable on my rock!

there are still some decisions to be made coming up, but nothing pending at the moment… will be in touch… some day

Suzie Homemaker???

I am so not Mrs. Suzie Homemaker… For some reason I had decided to stay at home all day and homeschool my kids… I hate cleaning, I don’t really like cooking that much, I have a short temper most of the time, I hate saying things over and over and over and over again, I do not like people not listening to me, I don’t like a lot of chaotic noise going on all over the place… yet this is the life I live in… Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and wouldn’t give them up for anything, but man I was not made for taking care of the little ones 24/7.  I don’t mind the babies, babies are so cute and easy to deal with for the most part… but the toddlers are the ones who drive me crazy… and my daughter won’t seem to outgrow that stage even though she is almost 5 yrs old.  I was hoping that all would get much better at 3.5-4 like it did with my son.. now #2 has always been a bit more of a problem child than #1 but still, I mean geez, when will she get over this… the whininess just drives me insane… or usually does.  I think I am looking forward to the teen stage.  I have spent a lot of time around them over my years, but I never really had been around little kids much.

I am trying to get to the point where I can respond in the correct manner in all situations instead of flying off the handle more times than needed… I have had a good peace in me the past few days so it has helped a lot… though I still have moments of wanting to blow up, I have been controlling them a lot better.

also in relation to my last post… this whole not being the typical mom thing is a problem for me.  I want to have a good social life, but I don’t want it all to be kid related.  I mean most of the times moms get together with their kids and have time with other moms.  Well, yeah I like that at times, there is a place for it… but apart from that, I want time socially that has nothing to do with my kids, where I don’t talk about them or have them with me or anything.  Just time to be me with some friends.  And yeah there are other moms who get together and do that, hang out without kids, have girls nights etc… but many times they are doing really girly things that I usually would rather not do.

So yeah, I need some new relationships…

Anyway, we are going to be putting the kids back in public school come January.  I am looking fwd to that…  I mean I have enjoyed most of this semester of schooling, but it started getting to me after a while.   With all my baggage I am dealing with it just isn’t working out.  Going to change a few things in my life to help with my stress/frustration factor and try to bring more opportuniy for the happy factor.  And put some variety factor in my life as well.  Will see if  can find myself some sort of job I would enjoy and stick with.  It seems I don’t ever stick with anything I try.  I have no idea what I will look for or if I will find anything since this economy is supposedly bad for that right now, but I guess I will cross that bridge when the time comes…

contact

i really need to find a good way to get some more adult contact… I mean being surrounded by 3 children all day…  I just wanna hang and chill with some friends and have fun and enjoy life with other people… i mean I already don’t have a job, so I don’t even have co-workers or anything… most days the only people I talk to are my kids and my hubby; oh yeah and the online world, lol… I don’t like being “locked” away from the world, cooped up.  i crave a big social life, yet I am a bit socially awkward at times…  I miss hockey, I like being a part of something fun and athletic with others…  I need to find something… and it would be good if it was more of a daily thing

reinventing

trying to figure out how to get my current life to look like I want it to…

Despite the past, despite any mistakes or bad decisions, despite whatever paths I have gone down, despite any experiences I have had…

how do you fix the foundation of something without collapsing the whole thing in the process?

How do you not make excuses for what is in your life?

How do you get around needed things in your life you can not get rid of but seem to get in the way of what you want to do?

How do you start over when you can’t go back to the beginning?

Trying to find out a plan… not sure what it looks like yet, but I am excited… I love change!

is wondering…

…WHAT IF I somehow get some help through therapy or whatever and all my issues like anger, bitterness, depression, flightiness, low self-esteem, insecurities, etc all go away and I feel better about everything in my life… I have healed in every way possible… EXCEPT I still am attracted to women???  What do I do then???  If it proves that my pains and fears and so forth have nothing to do with my sexual desires and sexual identity like so many people say it does???  Am I supposed to just keep ignoring it, lock the closet door and throw away the key???  What if in doing that I am then forced back into anger, bitterness, depression, etc???  Is that right???

It’s hard being a Christian and having the beliefs I do and then having these so real feelings inside of me.  Sure it is easy for people to dismiss something when they don’t see how real it is.  But someone has said that homosexuality is not any different than anger.  If someone is naturally inclined to anger and can’t control it and busts out on someone, we will not condone it just cuz- well, he was born that way.  No, we would arrest him and make him take anger management classes or something.  We would expect him to learn to control himself and not act out on his feelings; to get rid of his anger and so on.  So we who struggle with SSA are supposed to do the same thing; understand that it is wrong, no matter how it feels to us inside, and control ourselves and force ourselves into a life that is right.  or something like that

roller coaster

was feeling better, kinda up this afternoon… thought about some things, that I will blog about later…

I just finished reading through my journal from the past couple years… I am kinda bummed now… cuz I am seeing how back and forth I am all the time… up, down, up, down, in all kinds of ways with all kinds of things…

How can I find the hope that I can figure myself out this time and finally be at peace and filled with joy all the time no matter what life throws at me?  It’s like I think I keep finding the answer and I feel good, and then boom I hit bottom again.

today’s heart

these scriptures are on my heart today…  it is my prayer that whatever is in me that is impure is brought to light for me and then vanishes and that anything that is holy, true, acceptable, etc becomes strengthened inside of me… may I be shaken in any way needed for that to happen…

Psalm 139

¹ O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.² You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.³ You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.⁴ Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;you have laid your hand upon me.⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?Where can I flee from your presence?⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,if I settle on the far side of the sea,¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!How vast is the sum of them!¹⁸ Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,and abhor those who rise up against you?²² I have nothing but hatred for them;I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;test me and know my anxious thoughts.²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 19

¹ The heavens declare the glory of God;the skies proclaim the work of his hands.² Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.

⁷ The law of the LORD is perfect,reviving the soul.The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,making wise the simple.⁸ The precepts of the LORD are right,giving joy to the heart.The commands of the LORD are radiant,giving light to the eyes.⁹ The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous.¹⁰ They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.¹¹ By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.

¹² Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.¹³ Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression.¹⁴ May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

some marriage talk…

for those of you commenting accordingly…  Yes, the hub and I have talked a lot about all of this.  Our marriage story would be a long one.  I will blog about it sometime…  2 years ago when we were at the do or die point- either we get a divorce and I go be and do what I want or we fight this thing for good.  I was crying, so torn apart inside.  I wanted out yet I couldn’t let go.  I didn’t want out of my family, I couldn’t do it.  So we decided to fight it out.  We went to a marriage conference to help us.  It took me a long time to feel loving feelings for my hubby again after all he had “done” to me.  We declared back then that no matter what, we were together… there was no more option for divorce.  We pledged a covenant between ourselves and God and we had to do everything to keep it.  Things got better for a while and I was able to fight my war inside me for a good amount of time.  Then it would get to the point where it was too strong to ignore anymore and the need was unshakable… I would do this over the last few years, back and forth.  Trying to hold to my commitment and what I originally thought I wanted for my life, this path I chose to go down… but in order to do this successfully the SSA needs to go away, not exist.  Marriages are hard enough to work on, I don’t need this hindering it as well.  But it is hard to let go of…

So a lesbian relationship is not supposed to even be an option for me… so I shouldn’t be thinking about it or questioning anything about it.  I should just be like, no that’s not right for me and not entertain it and just put it down.  But I can’t seem to do that.  But I guess to me its like, I can’t go after it and it is too hard to fight it, I might as well fantasize about it.  Then I can meet my need in some way.  But that’s not “right” either…

But if we are talking sin… if you get down to it- I am sure married couples sin all the time while having sex.  Cuz if they are thinking of anything besides God or their partner while comig together, then they are committing adultery.  I wonder how many people actually only think about their spouse (and in their current body and look etc)???  So technically- according to scripture- nobody should be having sex unless they are married and only thinking about and enjoying who they are with.  We should only be making love- if one person is not into it but still doing it- is it right just cuz they are married???